Jealousy is one of the most frequent and significant challenges faced by people in polyamorous relationships. When jealousy comes up, it does nto mean you’re an insecure person or that you can’t be polyamorous. It’s a normal emotion that everyone feels regardless of their relationship orientation. And while you can’t avoid feeling jealous from time to time, you can change how you respond to it. Recognizing and working through jealousy-both your own and your partner’s-Polyamorous people aren’t necessarily less jealous than monogamous people- they’re just bravely learning to tolerate and cope with this emotion. 

Rational Vs. Irrational Jealousy

It is not always easy to differentiate between rational jealousy (something that poses a real threat to the viability of your relationship) and irrational jealousy (something that is rooted in fear and your own beliefs about yourself). Here are some hallmarks of rational jealousy.

• You actually want or have the thing you fear losing (Remember, a perceived loss can create as strong a reaction as an actual loss!)
• You perceive that someone else wants the same thing (which is very easy to do because we often project our own desires onto other people).
• You believe there’s a scarcity of that resource. (Usually there is not a scarcity of love, but there might be a real scarcity of time.)
• You believe you’d lose in a competition. (This is a tricky one because you’d have to trust your partner not to make it a competition between two people.)

Unless all four are present, your jealousy is likely irrational- or in other words, a distortion of the situation. I don’t want to minimize real threats to your relationship (s), and as I’ve said before, polyamory can be risky and destabilizing. But often irrational jealousy is the more common feeling. I hope this feels like a relief, but I understand that irrational jealousy can feel just as real as an actual threat, so be gentl ewith yourself if you’re having big emotions. Almost everyone has felt irrational jealousy from time to time. If you are experiencing irrational jealousy, what do you need? What reassurances could help you? What does reassurance look like for you?

My partner has a few partners, and I feel supportive of those relationships. When it comes to me dating, though, my partner is really insecure and is constantly making oppressive rules about my behavior. It feels like a double standard. What should I do?

Dating/loving multiple people and being comfortable with our partners dating/loving multiple people are two separate skills. It sounds like your partner needs some help with the latter skill. It’s important to understand that different people have different tendences and needs. While you may have an easier time working through jealousy, your partner struggles with it. It doesn’t mean tthey get to set your boundaries. Remember, boundaries explain what you will and won’t stand for, not what others can and can’t do. If dating others is important to you, it’s important to assert that and negotiate what agreements feel good for both of you, not just your partner. At the same time, your partner needs to work on strengthening the skill of tolerating jealousy and not controlling your behavior.