On my most recent visit to my in-laws, my mother-in-law told me there’s a quiet revolution happening among older generations.
She said they are sick and tired of apologizing to their adult children for their mistakes as parents. I sat with this information throughout our visit, and while I can understand where they are coming from, perhaps the pendulum has swung too far. But I don’t think avoiding the argument is the answer either.
I have several clients who are estranged from their adult children for a variety of reasons. They swing from “what did I do wrong?” to “what’s wrong with my child?” But perhaps nothing is wrong with either person. Perhaps the problem is trying to find blame or fault for why there’s conflict or misunderstandings or differences of opinion. It doesn’t mean that anyone is abusing anyone, like proposed in the book “Conflict is not abuse” by Sarah Shulman.
Being chronically online seems to make this worse. Social media algorithms capitalize on our brain‘s desire to categorize things as this or that, good or bad, right or wrong, abuse or not, but this black or white thinking does not come from our mature evolved selves. It’s a cognitive distortion that arises when we’re stressed, scared, or overwhelmed. It’s a regressed state.
I also work with a lot of clients who are angry at their parents for the ways that they were misattuned to or for the less than nurturing environments that they were raised in. Abuse is a pretty narrow definition and involves intent to be cruel so I’m careful about using that word. I do validate that people have a right to be disappointed, hurt, or angry, and they also have a right to share that hurt. I work with them on expectations mostly, and in accepting people for who they are while maintaining their own reasonable, protective boundaries. I think it’s also important to push those boundaries from time to time if it’s desired- like for people who want to maintain relationships with their family even though there is a lot of conflict and differences in values.
What I wanna say to the boomer generation that is struggling with their children asking them to be accountable and to apologize is this: Be grateful that you have a child who’s still engaging with you even if that is to ask for an apology. Be proud that you raised them in a way to share how they feel and ask for what they want. Use it as an opportunity to look at yourself and ask, is there anything that you wish you would’ve done differently? Does that mean you were a bad person or a bad parent? No, it means you didn’t know what you didn’t know back then and you did do the best that you could. Of course you made mistakes along the way. You’re human. Modeling self reflection and personal accountability is very human and admirable. If your child continues to demand an apology or say that’s not good enough then that does become their problem and you can feel confident in yourself that you self reflected and took accountability for what you could. But if you’re angry that they even asked or you spiral into shame thinking they’re saying you’re a bad person, that doesn’t help you or them. Do the work to hold onto your seat and receive the feedback. Take accountability where you can and affirm yourself and your humanity where you can. And then move on.
What I would say to the adult child who’s angry and blaming or demanding an apology: Try to get clear on what your purpose is for sharing. Is it just to share who you are and how you were impacted by something or is it to control or change their behavior? If it’s the latter, check yourself, that doesn’t usually work. We can’t drag anyone into having more insight.
And what I’d say to both: get offline. Stop reading hot takes on how your parent or your adult child should be acting. Don’t get your feedback from an AI chatbot meant to flatter you. Do the hard work of being in community and accepting that you make mistakes and those mistakes hurt people’s feelings. If you’re in relationships where people can share hurt feelings with you, you’re doing something right. Take a spoonful of humble pie, apologize for anything you can and reaffirm yourself and your love for each other.
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